watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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