Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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