well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
