These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
