I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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