You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
