You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
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I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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