ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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