If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
