My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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