and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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