I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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