An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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