She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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