The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
