My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
