Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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