considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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