from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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