I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
