I cannot find my penis.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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