I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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