I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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