I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
