Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
