he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
