I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
