Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
