You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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