Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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