i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
