I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
