my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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