why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
