I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
