Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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