the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
