WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
