Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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