Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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