Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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