I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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