I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize