explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize