Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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