Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
