I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
