Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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