if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
