I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize