What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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