When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
