JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
