you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
