Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
