took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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