If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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