so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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