All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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