On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
