Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
