I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize