the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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