guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
