did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
