I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
