You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
