I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
