i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
