Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
