I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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