Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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