he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
