seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
