her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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