New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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