Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
