I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
