Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
